12:00 AM

I never really realized the extent of lonesomeness my situation carried.

After all I had explained it many times, to many people. My words they carried across the air like feathers with emotions thick as lead. Even in repetition they seemed to lack full understanding as whenever they were told there was a level of underestimation that held in each and every response. For a while I became confused, did they not hear? No, they heard, they just didn’t understand.

Their replies were jabbing, daunting, full of scorn. Excuses were made, accusations held. I was to blame obviously. It was MY fault and only my fault! Everything around me was my fault, obviously. I over exaggerated, it couldn’t be THAT bad. I didn’t care for myself. I was reckless, irresponsible. My words, yes they were heard, they just held no meaning.

Escapism failed as they turned it against me. It reminded me of court. Bloodthirsty lawyers would hunt on the prowl for any evidence against the accused, and that was exactly what occurred.  Things that brought me momentary joy was all turned against me at once. Remember, it was my fault and only my fault. I didn’t deserve such things, they were insignificant. Take my escapism away, it won’t hurt me. After all, I’ve done this to myself correct?

The effects took hold, physically and mentally. I wasn’t even living most of the time. My emotions became thin as a strand of hair. Your feelings? YOUR feelings? My loving heart would extend its hand only to be bitten off by my bitter mind. Speaking to me was like sitting beside a lit fuse. It was sure to go off eventually, but no one saw it. Happiness? What’s that? It became an emotion I was numb to, only to return to me for a short- eight hour period. Eight hours of happiness I barely recognize as genuine. That’s enough to suffice for the other one-hundred-and-sixty. I shouldn’t complain though, I brought it upon myself, or so they say.

The keys on the keyboard stick with every word as salted drops of warm water seep under my fingers. The sky had long lost its vibrant hue and left me in the dark. Oh silence, how it welcomes me. It’s vacant. It reminds me of the lonesomeness. In fact, at times, it’s more comforting than the days that come in a few hours after.

And so the clock ticks on. Routine is habit and habit is liveliness. Plaster a smile upon your tired face they say, for how dare you look weary. The key to success is moving on or so I’ve heard. Serve yourself, serve others, throw away what makes you happy to escape judgment and tempered tongues. I’ve resisted and was subdued. I have sunk to be what others expect. I’ve done this to myself remember? I’m the only one to blame.

As I smile and laugh outwardly my vacant body breathes the truth. I am alone.